Punishment - Must it always be so physical?©

Punishment - Must it always be so physical?©

by
Lord Colm
Few topics in the BDSM world generate as much debate as does the issue of punishment. Whatever form it takes, it is an integral part of every D/s relationship, and is the source of much misunderstanding.
What is Punishment?

Before I continue, I need to clarify. It's important to understand one fundamental thing about punishment. By it's nature, it is something that is not enjoyable. It is unwelcome, to be avoided, and acts as negative motivation ("I'll not do this because if I do, something I don't like will happen to me.")

Many novices confuse "punishment" for something that is erotic and enjoyable: A spanking, a flogging--something desirable. I'll state this categorically: It is not. I am speaking about punishment for actual misbehavior outside the erotic context, not that wonderful "naughty school-girl/Head master" scene we love so much. Punishment is not play.

Punishment is meant for one reason only: To alter behavior. It is a useful and necessary tool, and exists in some form in every close relationship we have. With it, dominants can teach submissives how to behave and help submissives modify their behavior to better please.

There is only one fundamental offense: displeasing the dominant. Failing to do so or intentionally displeasing the dominant is grounds for punishment, and it is the dominant alone who makes the decision as to whether or not the submissive has been pleasing.

Punishment can take many forms--from a disapproving look to a beating--and is limited only by your imagination and how well you know your submissive. From my interactions with those in the scene, though, physical (corporal) punishment seems to be the most pervasive.
So What's Wrong With That?

Is there too much corporal punishment in the scene? I believe so. It is the easy way out for many dominants. Often it is a reaction, rather than something that is considered. It takes much more effort to come up with a non-physical method of correction. Many of us were brought up with corporal punishment, learning that misbehavior should lead to physical pain. Those social influences can be very powerful. In the long run, however, physical punishment is usually the least effective way to alter behavior.

Jay Wiseman writes in SM101, A Realistic Introduction:

"I firmly believe that the dominant should not slap, spank, paddle, bind, confine, or otherwise perform any common BDSM act on a sub as punishment. We are trying to create positive, erotic connections with these activities. Let's reserve them for that area alone and not cloud the connections. I also firmly believe that a dominant should never slap, punch, kick, or otherwise touch a submissive in anger.

"Punishment often involves pain and many submissives enjoy pain. Indeed, some will manipulate deliberately so they can be "punished." This is why I strongly recommend that pain not be used as punishment."
(SM101, A Realistic Introduction, p. 274)

So let's work backwards one step. Ultimately, the goal is never to have to punish the submissive. Given their 'druthers, most subs would really rather not disappoint or disobey. Most dominants would prefer that they didn't, as well. From that premise, you can prevent a great deal of misbehavior by positively reinforcing the things you desire, rewarding the types of behaviors that you wish your submissive to repeat. This sends a clear message: I like this! Do it more!

We all know, however, that submissives are not perfect and the time will come when she or he displeases you. In these cases, the dominant must take action. Failing to do so teaches a submissive that he or she can get away with unacceptable behavior--that you are not serious about your limits or rules. As unpleasant as it is for us to punish the ones we love, it is part and parcel to being a dominant. What we often fail to do, however, is to consider intent. An honest mistake should generally be treated more lightly than outright disobedience. And just how fair would it be to punish for something a submissive does when you had not taken the time beforehand to properly instruct him or her on how to act properly?
Alternatives

If not corporal punishment, then what? First, whatever the punishment, it must fit the offense. Being too hard or too lenient are equally counter-productive. Use only the degree of punishment needed to achieve the desired results: behavior change. Something you should know is that merely learning that they've displeased is all the punishment many submissives are likely to need. Often, you need only point out how to please you and your submissive will make the desired change. The emotional pain your submissive may feel as a result of disappointing you is very often much harsher and more effective than anything you could reasonably come up with.

One alternative to corporal punishment is withdrawal. In this case, when faced with displeasing behavior the dominant stops the activity, points out the error, and by some means deprives the submissive of the dominant's presence. It is critically important, however, that the lenght of that time should be clearly stated. Without doing so, the submissive may be left wondering if you will ever return, if you have abandoned them. It risks, at the least, an erosion of trust and possibly worse: emotional trauma. Such physical separation can have a tremendous impact on a submissive, so use it very carefully.

Another alternative, and the one I most often use, is introspection. I make known to my submissive that she has failed to please me, encourage her to discover what she did, and then provide her the tools to overcome that behavior. It is vital that the submissive, if at all possible, search for and find the behavior that was displeasing. This can be very effective in helping the sub take the lesson to heart; much more so than a smack from the crop.

Physical pain doesn't encourage. It only sets up an association between a particular behavior and a painful consequence. The tools I provide are something that she can carry with her, physically or mentally, and apply to a variety of situations when needed. The old adage of "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime" comes to mind. Corporal punishment is the fish, introspection is the teaching to fish.

As an example, we have posted a page on our website called "The Shoe Box, A Master's Gift." It demonstrates from real-life circumstances how alternatives to physical punishment can be constructively used. This article is one of an infinite number of alternatives to corporal punishment.
Is Physical Punishment Ever Acceptable?

In limited situations, yes. If the submissive raises the issue on his or her own, expresses a need to be physically punished as part of the healing process, then, perhaps, it would be acceptable. It is often true that the sub would rather endure physical pain than the emotional pain of your disapproval or withdrawal. If this is the case, use it wisely. Ultimately, what form the punishment takes is your choice to make as the dominant.

Combining elements of correction from several methods can also be effective. For example, if the submissive violates a term of your contract, you could have the submissive kneel (physical discomfort) while reading the contract (introspection) while you move to another room (withdrawal) for a specified period of time.
Warning!

One common error you must avoid is intimate sexual contact immediately following physical punishment. No sex. Why? Because it teaches submissives that if they misbehave, they will get what exactly what they want: Pleasure.

For most dominants who are emotionally involved with a submissive, punishment is a difficult task. You may understand that it is needed, but hate to cause your beloved one pain other than in an erotic context. You may feel guilty afterwards or fear that your submissive will think you no longer care for her or him. These internal conflicts can lead you to move directly into erotic stimulation from punishment in hopes of reassuring. At first blush, that seems good, because it is important to reassure our loved ones that we don't punish because they are "bad," but because we love them enough to correct misbehavior. There must be, however, a significant pause between the two events. If in one breath you are punishing your submissive harshly with a crop and then in the next, before the sting of the last stroke subsides, you are caressing him or her erotically, what are you really teaching? You are teaching your sub that if she or he can only endure this harsh, non-erotic pain for a few minutes, pleasure will be the reward. If you continue that behavior long enough, and you may well give birth to a pain slut (which is good, if that is what you both want, but isn't good if you don't). If you find that you are sexually aroused from administering punishment, you will need to exert considerable control over yourself so that you do not unwittingly reinforce the wrong behavior.

Know, too, that the submissive will probably feel remorse for displeasing you and will want to get back on your "good side" as soon as possible. One very obvious way of pleasing you is with sex. Once again, however, you need to ensure a significant pause between punishment and gratification--yours or your submissive's. This will take tact and understanding, since most of us do not take well the refusal of our sexual advances. In addition, following punishment, the sub will likely be particularly emotionally vulnerable.
And Lastly

Ending a relationship as a form of punishment can cause severe emotional trauma to both parties, particularly the submissive. In only the most extreme cases should the relationship be terminated as a form of punishment. There may be some actions which are unforgivable. Those things should be clearly discussed early on. Don't invoke it or the threat of it casually.

Whatever method you use, remember that correction is an opportunity for you to grow closer, to try to resolve disputes and preserve the relationship. Out of it, the submissive should grow, not have his or her self-esteem destroyed. Being cruel doesn't make you a better dom, but it could very well erode the foundation of trust upon which D/s relationships must be built. Punishment is a tool of last resort. Use it carefully.

A Good Spanking

A Good Spanking




A sensual spanking experience can start long, hours or even days, before the actual spanking. For some people, the anticipation of the event is often more exciting than the event itself. One thing you can do to heighten anticipation is to go toy shopping together. Check out your local kink shop. If you don't have one in the area, beauty supply stores, kitchen shops, hard wares, pharmacies, pet stores, and tack shops offer a great selection. Another thing you can do is to simply talk about what is going to happen. Tell your sub what you will use on her. Tell her what position you are going to put her in. Let your imagination run wild. Another fun trick is to tell your submissive *exactly* what time she will be spanked later in the day. Then, call her with the countdown every once in awhile. I guarantee there will be nothing else on her mind all day long. Perhaps you are going out to dinner that evening.
Request that she doesn't wear any panties, and when you get to the restaurant, have her slide her skirt out from beneath her. Bare skin against a leather seat is oh-so-delicious, and puts the focus exactly where it ought to be.
When the time comes to start the actual festivities, heighten the anticipation a little bit more. Stand her in the corner. Or, send her for the toys . "Young lady, bring me the hairbrush" is likely to send shivers up her spine and down to her, uhm, toes. Perhaps you would like to send her to the bedroom to "prepare herself" and wait for you. Maybe you would enjoy putting her in position over the arm of the sofa to wait while you finish the evening paper, or make that phone call. Again, use your imagination to draw the fun out.
Finally, it is time for the actual spanking. I like to start over the clothes, with slow, firm strokes of the hand. Take your time, there is no need to rush. When you get tired at looking at her skirt, slowly raise it up to her waist. With each inch, you will probably be able to feel her excitement grow. Go through the same routine over her panties...slow, firm strokes ...making sure to spread them over the entire bottom.
For a lot of people, the "taking off of the panties" is a big part of the excitement. Tell her you are going to "spank her on the bare". Tell her when it is time for her panties to come down. Then, take them down slowly ... inch by inch ...until you have them in a position that is pleasing to you. Or, maybe you want to bring them down in one jerk....allowing her to feel a surprising rush of cool air on an already-warmed rear. Variety is the spice!
Some things to remember while you spank: Technique is very important. A relaxed hand, fingers closed, is usually a much more pleasant sensation than keeping the hand stiff and rigid. Try it on yourself. See the difference? Take care to vary the placement of your strokes, and make sure you cover the whole bottom. For most people the "sweet spot" is the lower part of the rear...right above where the thighs and buttocks meet. Make sure to pay special attention to that area, but don't forget any others! While three or four spanks in a row on the same area is exciting, many more than that can often become unpleasant. Vary your intensity. Give her a few soft ones and surprise her with some hard. Chances are, you will love the reaction. Also vary the speed. Going from slow, even strokes to quick, choppy strokes can keep things from getting boring. Keep watch on what you are doing and how her bottom changes color. Be careful to avoid any areas that are bruising, or turning a white, bloodless color.

When you decide your submissive has had enough, it is time for the aftercare. Ice is always nice, as is cool, soothing lotion. And both are such fun to apply! Make sure you give her plenty of hugs and cuddles. This is the time to let her know how much you care about her, and how happy she makes you by taking what you dish out.

Author Unknown

Living a 24/7 Lifestyle?

Living in a full time BDSM relationship is nothing like the books you read. I always find it funny when I receive a request from a submissive to join our household so they can be naked at our feet for the rest of his/her life. Now I'm not saying that this isn't possible from time to time, but I can't imagine it happening in the middle of north Carolina every day all day long. There are just too many times you have to interact with the real vanilla world for that to be practical.

We all long for the days when our lifestyle will be acknowledged as normal and appropriate for some people. So you can better understand what a day in our lives is like, I have decided to tell you more about our mundane existence in our day to day reality.

A normal day in our home starts with Me {Jade} {this should be done by our future sub}getting up an hour before Sir gets Home from his night job.That would be around 6 am.Shower ,lotion...make up then dress in Sir's fav. colors {our future sub would be wearing a gorean slave girl outfit}.

preparing Sir's food means knowing what Sir likes ,low on salt and no hot spices.
Pleasing Sir is the goal here.our future sub need to understand to please a Dominant doesn't mean 'having sex' or 'su*** d***' 24/7 .{not saying that it is never required but really up the the Dominant}real pleasing can mean anything a Dominant wishes for and if it means at that moment to cook His food ,do His laundry or dancing for Him ..or giving him a pedicure ..then if that's His wish then so be it.

Later during the Day its time for a short play/session if the Dominant see that the sub deserve it .

~ Lady Jade

ps .at the moment I am doing the chores our future sub should do ,I know what is required cause I use to lead My very own House ,owning 2 {at times 3} slave boy's, before I met My hubby {Sir}.




I wanted to add to this ...I believe there should be a balance {in submission} between a Dominant and a sub .example I'm not into needle play but my beloved nicky was very much in to it.on occasions i done needle play sessions with her cause I want My sub to be happy ...knowing out of my {now} position that a happy sub serves best and the level of trust is going deeper.

Lady Jade's writing's {you think you know...but so few of us actually do}

you think you know...but so few of us actually do

You think you know my pain? But I hope you never have to.

You don't know the way my heart breaks every time you kiss your significant other,
taking for granted the time you have together.
You don't have the lonely days spent wanting someone to kiss, or a hand to hold.

You don't know about my sleepless nights listening to "our song" attempting to fight back my tears but losing miserably.
You can't understand the importance of getting mail.
Or feel the sense of peace when you see his handwriting on the outside of an envelope,
knowing that he is ok, hes well, and he is still fighting.

You can't believe in the power of "I love you" if you hear it every day.
You wouldn't know the sadness in goodbye, knowing you may never see him again.

And you would never be able to fathom the feelings of happiness when you see him for the first time again.
Hardships are part of the battle, but loving him is worth every tear.

He is the only one, who can make me feel like a woman, help me to believe in myself,
and he is the only one who's voice is able to calm me when i cry.
Whenever I read his letters, hear his voice, or see his face, I know I have made the right decision.



He is the man I love. He is the man I live for.